We at Terra’s Place received a wonderful letter from a Mom about the experience of becoming a new mother, and permission to post it onto our website. So thank you, Rikki, for letting us share your experience with our Terra’s Place moms!!!
The feeling of carrying a life, giving life is absolutely the best feeling in the world. Words cannot describe the many emotions going into every aspect of pregnancy and being a mother. There are many days you doubt yourself and God for making the decision to give you a child, but in that one instance you see her smile, hear her squeal or smell her breath, your questions are answered and your doubts are no longer valid. The first night at home is the scariest night of your life. Not knowing if you are doing anything right. But you are, you’re doing everything right. As long as she is warm, fed and dry, you’re doing it perfect. But why do we as mothers continue to doubt ourselves? Why is she crying, what am “I” doing wrong? She is crying because she is a baby, and babies cry, that’s how they speak to us. That’s how we know they need something, a bottle, to be held, a new diaper…something. But we as mothers continue to blame ourselves for the crying, the NOT sleeping and the inability to keep up with nursing, hand washing, sterilizing and God forbid schedules. But we shouldn’t, we say we can never be perfect, but to her we are. We are everything to her. Our smells are perfect, our voice, our touch…we are her perfect and she will never view anyone as perfect as the one who gave her life. Because, she knows! She knows who gave her 40 or 36 or 25 weeks of perfection in the womb. She know who you are from the minute you first hold her and forever from that moment on. But it’s ok to get frustrated, to think about your life before that amazing baby. To wonder if you made to right choice. To want 10 minutes alone, only to love the first 5, miss her the next 4 and wish for 10 more the last. Your world has forever changed. We couldn’t survive if it weren’t for the 10 minutes alone or the reminiscing of what “used” to be, which was sleep, sleep and more sleep. But then, after your long night or short, however you look at it, you’re up with the sun or before and that amazing baby and you know exactly where you are supposed to be.
I went through the “baby blues”, I knew the minute it started. I didn’t feel the same way everyone else felt about my baby. I was slightly resentful towards her, I can’t explain why, but I was. It lasted for what they call the fine line between baby blues and post- partum depression…2 whole weeks. Then I felt normal again, after all the tears, sweating and “why me” I was me again. It does get better for most, not everyone. Some need medication, some need more. But where you fall on the “post-partum spectrum”, just know it’s all so normal. So here I am rocking the “re-called for mold” rocker in silence with a completely different feeling than that of 5 months ago. I am enough, I am Lily’s perfect and that’s plenty for me. She is also my perfect! I feel guilty at times for the way I felt in the beginning…did I enjoy her enough, love her enough? Was it ok that I couldn’t hold her at times for the fear of hurting her? Was I not happy or nurturing enough? But I get past it quick, when I see her smile, hear her giggle and squeeze those rolls on her legs. No one can ever prepare you for the ups and downs of a newborn and no one can tell you how to do it. It comes from you, the mama, to know what’s right. Every baby completely different than the next. I vow to never force my opinion on a new mother…only to support her as long as the baby is cared for.
Breast or bottle, natural or epidural, disposable or reusable…it’s all the same in the end. Their smiles are all that matter to let you know…You’re doing it JUST RIGHT?